"UNTITLED"

Did you ever fell inlove? Do you believe in love at first sight? How about first love never dies? If you'll going to ask me the same thing, I would rather kill myself than say EFFIN YES!

I'm a man-hater. I hate boys as well as having commitment with someone they called as BF/GF. I do believe that we live in here, without no one. We live and die with only by ourselves. We don't need to hang up our own prerogatives with someone just to say that its a must. Call me as whatever you want, but I'll say and keep on believing with that kind of "weird" thinking. Some say that I'm a devil in disguise. I love to make war, belittle people who are effin ugly, yell those weirdos and grade-conscious kids around.. I love making bad! And that will always be kept on their little fingy minds .. the minnie bitchy me. A bitch who keeps on finding some attention, whether good or bad; a bitch who still asking for a TLC factor with her parents; a bitch who's making a war but the rare is that, a girl who loves peace. A peace that will always be at hers when no one's around, when no one's believing, when no one but only herself clinging to her own conundrum.

I have my family: my workaholic Dad, business-oriented Mom, sluggish brother, outgoing sister and a super lazy maid. I have also my best friends (mp3, emo bear, fatty pussy and emotionless android) I live in a life with no one to talk to. I supposed to have a meal with my friends.. those who are there when I feel so down, my ever trusted guy friends. We drink together, cry for uncertain reasons, laugh for busting stories, and talk, talk and talk of trash things. All is a quite perfect to me. Perfect is what I can assume with this kind of life. What else am I going to ask for? I'm a girl with a golden platter, a mansion-built house, 3 cars and abig wide pool. I have money. I have my friends. I have guts! but..  still.. there's a question that keeps on roaring. Is this enough? Am I fulfilled? Am I happy? Am I .. fortunate? Its not an easy type of question. Even I use various of mathematical solutions nor different philisophies of Socrates and Aristotle, I will never ever answer those. But when I found someone, yes it is! I found SOMEONE! Someone who's brave enough. Someone who makes my perspective differ of what I used to be. Someone that I.. (sigh)

He's a sacristan; a third-year ECE student who used to play drums and guitar in our barangay's feast. He's awesome.  A bachelor with a lot of futuristic plans. I knew it because he court me. The hell! how can a perfect man love with someone like me?! I can't still believe. But, for the first time, I thank God of what He gave to me. I know I'm not deserving but He still find ways to make me contented. Yes! I'm contented to have him. I'm starting to believe what I wouldn't and never been believed before. But that was just before! After 4 years, he flew and find his fortune abroad. He promised me one thing: He will marry me as soon as he arrioved. But that was just only illusion. He never come back. For once, I make believe on what they called LOVE. Its quite amazing. But if time would ask me to turn it back, I will change the way my life goes by. The way I used to be. The way I loved and being hated by them even him. Maybe he finally realized that we're not for each other. That he's far inch from me and I'm too different n his world. He's best and I'm worst, that's not a perfect combination.

I have a lot of mistakes. I used to get involved with drugs, gangsters, riots, war, even stealing and humiliate my parents.. my family. I made it without using my cleverness and just for the sake of getting other's attention. I thought that being me would be as simple as making them, people around me, loved the way I am nor accept the way I used to be. But then, I thank to God by having me here though, I'm lurking sack of sins in my back, I can say that He still loves me. He still there, I can feel it. He gave me someone that will help me to realize things. Someone who made me feel I'm worth loving for. As I just receive the news, that he's finally here, I was infuriated to think that he refused me; he deceived me but.. I stopped. As I read his letters to me in a mini golden box, my tears keep on falling. He never lied to me nor broke his promise. He died on his bed with his agonizing malady --- leukemia. He worked a lot to earn money for the two of us that's now a trash. (deep sigh). As I wrote this story, this brief love story of mine, I hope.. I hope I would see him again. I would say how thankful I am for having him; for making me a better person; for loving me. At last, I could say that a bitch like me, could be an angel, an angel with her loving guy, her ever loved.. her first love.

CUT-OFF! I hate drama.. and I don't need that. It will never help me anyway. My time was near and I need to accept it. Yes! we're destined. I have also a cancer.. this effin breast cancer. I know its not the story anyone would rather read.. but.. who cares? This bitchy will take her flight soon.. with her faith (I don't know if its true but I have to believe for once), her destiny (to take this and serve as punishment) and her .. her first love. I know his waiting. Somewhere, out there..

LESSON? mm is that necessary? well.. IDK! As long as I share my life to you, that would be enough.. enough for you to think things as I never did before. I'm not perfect.. even you. We're humanbeings and not human doings hence, it doesn't mean you need to do anything that are based in your own agnostic prerogatives. Remember: there's someone who keeps eyes on you.. beware.